people can be really terrible and I just don’t understand it. I thought the good guy/truth was eventually supposed to prevail. what happened to just being a good person because? I don’t want to become numb to the good things in life but it might happen as I try to block out the cold realities. Am I still a good person? Am I helping the world even one tiny bit or am I adding pain? I pray that I can learn to forgive. I pray that I will get through the next day, and the next and the day after that. I want to start seeing my life 50 years from now instead of just hoping I make it to 30. I’m not seeing the bigger picture. I’m not understanding why this is happening now. I do know that I have strength. Every time I thought I had been beaten, I picked my spirit off the ground. Is it that I have a lot of other people to prove wrong or is it that I have to prove myself wrong? How can I feel so many things at once? Two memories popped into my head after a weird dream last night:
1) I had just come out to some close friends as trans and one in particular was not sure/almost angry with me for say this. I remember now what he asked me to “help” me understand if I was trans. He said, “do you want a dick? It’s that simple.” Why was I friends with someone like that? Why did I feel I had to answer that question? Why do men put so much of their identity into their fucking dicks? I just don’t get it. It was like he was angry that “another” person was coming out as trans. Sorry to harsh your vibes, asshole. What a terrible question. I need to demand more from people, even the “feminists” because I tend to have my guard down with them. They’re people too and they can bully people harder than some because of a thing called self righteousness. As a feminist, I have to fight the idea that I somehow have it all figured out.
2) I had a tiny dream for myself at the age of like 21. It was one of those dreams that’s in the back of your head and you are scared to say it out loud because of insecurity or out of fear that it will immediately get shot down. I told this same friend what I wanted and he basically said it would never happen and he would never support it happening because I was this and that and all these things. And I remember sitting there and thinking, “Yeah, he’s right. That was a dumb idea.” What the fuck was wrong with me? I can’t let other people define me. It’s better to go out, give it your all and come up short than to let someone tell you how far you can go. It is only now that I have more distance that I can even begin to see some of these horrible things. I need to take criticism from people who have good intentions for me and care about me. I also need to reflect on my own actions and come up with my own understanding of where I fall.
Some of those memories give me a lot of anxiety. I wonder why I didn’t help other people that I also saw getting trampled on. I wonder why I didn’t do what was right. I saw a man that I have known for like two or three years (only though social gatherings) and he was sharing with the group some good news. I looked at the guy and I realized how awful we all were to him. He was just too easy of a target. He was part of a misguided and old school group and he didn’t have it all together and people fucking tried to tear him down. I am guilty of that. I watched and did nothing. Everyone else was doing it, so it was the right thing do, right? Wrong. People are just people and they come in all kinds of packages and you never know what someone is carrying around with them. I felt like apologizing but I’m hoping he doesn’t even have a clue how bad it was.